What teenagers need from their parents is structure, not love
While there is no doubt that love from parents and those around them is important as children grow into adults, experts in adolescent psychology point out that what parents should give children is equally, or even more, systematic knowledge and experiences that theoretically explain the origins and meaning of things.
Child psychologist Lisa Damour says kids need rules more than affection from their parents — Quartz
'That's what Lisa Dummer, a researcher specializing in the psychology of adolescents, especially adolescent girls, says. Dummer, who has two teenage daughters herself, says that children need two things to grow into stable, happy adults: love and structure. But if parents can't provide both, they should focus on structure,' she says.
Even if children are not taught enough about love by their parents, they can receive that love from people around them, their teachers at school, their friends' parents, etc., but Dummer points out that the only way to learn about structure is from their parents.
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The importance of 'giving love to children' is a common knowledge in parenting textbooks, and Dummer's opinion may be perceived as contradicting conventional wisdom. If a child is raised in a strict, business-like environment, they may grow up to be less happy adults, but they may also acquire the know-how necessary to 'function' as an adult. In other words, the problem is that children raised in strict, business-like environments grow up with insufficient or erroneous adult qualities.
And the worst case scenario is when children grow up without love or structure, which puts them at high risk of developing into badly behaved, problematic adults, Dummer said. Children need both, Dummer said. 'They want to be loved. They want to know the rules. It's the parents' job to provide those things.'
To achieve this, parents need to understand both. It's said that children learn by watching their parents, and parents can only give their children what they have. Therefore, it's important for parents to be 'consistent.' The combination of tolerance and inconsistency creates an unstable and anxious mindset. 'When children grow into teenagers, they often feel out of control and surrounded by people who are out of control. But you don't want your parents to be out of control,' says Dummer.
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However, cultivating a 'systematic' attitude is not easy, and since it involves the very core of one's way of thinking, it is not something that can be achieved overnight. Therefore, Dummer lists the following important things to keep in mind when raising teenagers:
・Create a framework for safety rules. Children are more likely to follow rules when they understand that they are for their own good. On the other hand, appealing to morality or using authority to persuade them by saying, 'You have to obey because Dad says so!' will have the opposite effect.
Don't underestimate the power of an apology. A proper apology lets adolescents know they are respected and helps them learn to be trusted.
It is normal for teenagers to experience stress as they grow up, and it helps them grow and become more resilient. On the other hand, if they have no experience of depression, or if they are constantly under stress and never get a break, it can cause problems.
It's best to introduce technology as late as possible, and keep it out of your child's room. Video games, social media, and the internet are distracting but also disrupt the healthy sleep teenagers need. There will come a time, though, when the ban is lifted, and it's better to do so when a child is 17 than 13.
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